Every year, I travel for my birthday. I started this tradition in 2018 because I just didn’t feel like hosting dinners anymore. Not that there’s anything wrong with hosting dinners, but it was starting to feel awkward as I got older because of combining different friend groups who don’t really mesh and not wanting to leave anyone out. In those situations, it’s difficult as a guest to mingle when you’re seated at a big table, stuck talking to the stranger sitting next to you. My new tradition has been more fun because I get to pick a different destination every year.
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I know it has been almost a year since I’ve written. It has been weighing heavily on me and I had been mentally beating myself up for having taken this long to write again. I got a new contract/work client and that has consumed most of my year, and sadly, it has taken me away from my passion project. Such is life. Gotta make money to live. But also, I really needed to take a mental health break and do some internal healing.
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France has been a huge part of my life. I studied abroad in the French countryside when I was 19. I visited my French cousins who grew up there. My first job in fashion sent me to France and other parts of Europe. After my mother’s marriage to my stepfather, I also gained three French stepbrothers who grew up in France. But it has been awhile since I’ve visited.
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Oh my goodness. I cannot believe I have not written a blog post since April! It has been awhile. I guess I just needed to take a little time (or a lot of time) for my mental health. After having a breakdown in March/April, it took awhile for me to pick myself up again. It’s not something that happens in a day. Or even a week or a month. There’s not one thing that makes it go away. And sometimes the things that have worked before don’t work anymore. It’s a process. A journey.
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Sometimes you need to break down to build up and heal. It has been the worst last two months. With everything that happened with my mom, life has been so stressful. Now that she’s home from the hospital and on the mend, and I’m back in LA, I thought the pressure that had been building up inside of me was going to subside. But it didn’t. It continued to build and build and there was no escape.
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You can't buy time, turn back time, stop time, speed up time, or slow down time. When it comes to the people you love, there is never enough time. Life is strange and things can change in a matter of seconds. To say that the last two weeks have been tough is an understatement. It has been one of the scariest and most challenging moments in my life. My mom is my most favorite person in the world and to see her in pain, in critical condition, broke my heart.
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Each year, I try to plan a new adventure for my birthday. Usually international with the exception of last year, pre-vaccine. It softens the blow of getting older and helps me reframe the occasion to be a more joyous one. Once September hits, I get that back-to-school fall feeling even though I have not been in school in years. That nervousness of starting a new chapter, not knowing what to expect.
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Since I moved back to Los Angeles after my two-year stint living in Hong Kong, my parents have not visited me and it has been almost a decade! This past Labor Day weekend, my mother and stepfather finally came to town, and everything that could go wrong went wrong. No running water, racist attack, and my car died in the middle of Hollywood—all within the first two days of their visit.
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