Time

You can't buy time, turn back time, stop time, speed up time, or slow down time. When it comes to the people you love, there is never enough time. Life is strange and things can change in a matter of seconds. To say that the last two weeks have been tough is an understatement. It has been one of the scariest and most challenging moments in my life. My mom is my most favorite person in the world and to see her in pain, in critical condition, broke my heart. Her condition has slowly improved over the last few days and she's showing progress but it's still early. I pray every day and every night that my mother will have a full recovery.

That first day I saw her in Neuro ICU after her operation was horrible. I saw my mom at her weakest. It was tough. I had to be brave and strong for her but inside, I wanted to break down and cry. It’s difficult to see someone you love in that condition. I have been visiting my mom in the hospital everyday for the last two weeks for 4-5 hours at a time. I have been updating my sisters and my family every night, but they didn’t have to see her. They didn’t see her frail and bruised body, the tubes that went into her nose and down her throat, the needles that went into her veins, the bandages or the 50 staples in her head. They didn’t hear her weak, barely audible voice, her complaints of pain, discomfort, and fear or her pleas for food and water. She was so uncomfortable in the hospital and there wasn’t much I could do. I was helpless.

I could not eat, sleep, or function that first week. But I had to put on a brave face for her and for my stepfather who needed to lean on me. But the thing is, I needed someone to lean on too. I couldn’t keep all of this stress, worry, and fear in. It’s not part of my parent’s culture to ask for help, to talk about family matters. One of the things I realized I needed this year is a community and a community does not have to be just family. My mother has never taught me how to build a community because it’s not part of her culture. But I’m learning now, it is something I need to do for myself despite our cultural differences on this matter. My stepfather does not like me accepting help, but I need help. I can’t do all of this on my own. Working reduced hours (and making reduced income) and checking in with the hospital every morning, making my stepfather lunch, heading off to the hospital every afternoon for 4-5 hours, making my stepfather dinner at his regularly scheduled time, then updating my sisters and uncles every night, and then keeping my stepfather company before he goes to bed. By the end of the day, I am exhausted. I can’t think about food at a time like this and I barely have had time to go to the grocery store. I don’t know what to cook to feed my stepfather. If it were me alone, I’d eat a cup of noodles or a frozen meal just to get by. But my stepfather can’t function that way. I’ve accepted meals from an old friend and from my mom’s friend. My stepfather doesn’t want to burden anyone. Culturally, we are clashing in how we handle a situation like this but I need help or I can’t be strong for him or for my mom. I can’t do it all on my own. I’m going to break.

Then this week, my mom turned a corner and started regaining her strength. She was finally able to start eating again. I was able to bring her food from home, which makes all the difference. Her swallowing wasn’t perfect but it was improving. How do they expect people to heal in a hospital if they are being given horrible food? Eating homemade Cambodian food made a huge difference for my mom and I was so happy that I could help her in that way. After two weeks in the hospital, she was finally discharged and is now in rehab. She is more comfortable and wearing her own warm clothes that I brought for her from home. She seems stronger but she still struggles with daily tasks. She gets frustrated and impatient with herself because she can’t function the way she used to it. It’s going to take some time for my mom to heal but I’m praying for a full and speedy recovery so that she can come home soon.