Road Trip!

Endings always make me feel sad and nostalgic for what was or used to be. Even if ending something felt right and is the best thing to do. Yes, beginnings can be exciting too but beginnings are unknown and uncertain and always give me a little bit of anxiety.

That is how the end of the year always feels for me. And that feeling usually starts around fall, as we approach my birthday in November which is the end of MY year, and continues into the holidays, and then into New Years—the end of everyone’s year.

In addition to these calendar endings, I am experiencing other endings in my life as well. My year long project with a client has come to an end. Two of my good friends decided to move out of Los Angeles with their families to more affordable cities so that they can save money while working from home during the pandemic. I closed the door on a new and meaningful relationship that started during the pandemic (imagine that!) and initially had so much potential. My therapist is no longer able to accept my health insurance after this month (don’t even get me started on how difficult it is to even find a NEW therapist who accepts your insurance and is accepting new patients).

All of these endings are just too much for my little heart to handle! It’s a lot of change and transition. It hurts. And it’s uncomfortable. And I’m just tired. Tired of it all.

With these endings, I decided to embark on a solo road trip to clear my head. Traveling is usually my go-to for recharging my soul. I do it every November so that I don’t get sad on my birthday. But this year is different. We are in a pandemic and traveling via plane and/or abroad is highly discouraged. My next best option is a road trip. I like road trips but they are definitely more enjoyable with someone. As much traveling as I have done solo, I would much prefer to share all of these experiences. But also, I don’t want to let not having a partner discourage me from exploring the world.

I decided to go to The Grand Canyon. It has been on my list for a long time and I had been waiting to go with someone but I didn’t want to wait anymore. It’s a long drive from Los Angeles, so I broke up the trip by stopping in Vegas on the way there and back. I also stopped at The Valley of Fire, an hour east of Vegas. Both Vegas and Valley of Fire were a lot of fun. It’s easy to distract yourself with a nice bath, cocktails, and room service. I also really enjoyed exploring The Valley of Fire. As a state park, it was much more manageable and not as overwhelming as a national park.

Afterwards, I headed down to The Grand Canyon and I was amazed by the spectacular view. The Grand Canyon is massive but it left me feeling really small and a little sad and alone. There wasn’t as much distraction as there was in Vegas, as the food and accommodations there were pretty basic. My hotel room was freezing. The restaurant nearby where I had to pick up food wasn’t very good and they messed up my order twice so I never got what I ordered and paid for.

I found myself wanting to leave immediately. I felt anxious to get back to Vegas and to return home. I felt uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with all of the changes in my life. Uncomfortable with this fucking year of 2020. Running off to Vegas and Arizona did not solve my problems. Not that I thought it would. But I thought it would maybe do something to ease my mind and heart. And I’m not sure that it did. I was anxious the entire time and did not sleep well at all. But I did check two new places off my list and that’s pretty incredible. I did a long road trip by myself through three states and that’s pretty impressive.

Then I remembered that it is in your discomfort and pain that you grow and find a deeper connection to who you are and your purpose. This is something I must have loosely heard or read from Oprah or another motivational speaker in some format. While driving back to my hotel room from The Grand Canyon on my last night after watching the sunset, I thought, maybe I just need to sit in this discomfort and surrender to the pain and see what happens versus trying to control it, manage it, change it, or distract myself from it. Just let the pain sit there and pass through. I can handle it, right? I’ve been through these things before. But it never gets any easier.

Maybe that was the sole purpose of this road trip for me. Not to ease my mind and heart, but to learn how to surrender to the discomfort and pain. Observe my feelings and thoughts. Find inspiration for change. Learn and grow from these uncomfortable feelings. This doesn’t mean wallow in my sadness and stop doing things to feed my heart and soul (well, maybe just for a day or two or even a week). It just means stop placing all my focus on the pain and confusion by trying to find immediate solutions in order to rush through it or resist or avoid feeling it. And just maybe then, the pain will pass through quicker and answers will organically appear to me sooner. This is all just part of the process. You can’t have the good without the bad. The depth and understanding without the hardship. So here it goes, again.